And now for something completely different...

This post is dedicated to my friend Samuel, who has stumbled across some hard times of late and is looking for help.  I don't feel that I can offer much in the way of unbiased advise, as a lot of what he is going through seems to be similar to my own plight, but I told him that reading back what he's told me might help him at least find some clarity, which may in turn help lead to better times.

What do I know?  Throughout our lives, we find people with similar and different points of view.  Many of them are influenced heavily by their upbringing, which can be good or bad.  Some folks seeks out new friendships while others hide from them.  Both can be for reasons good or bad.  To tell someone involved in a relationship with somebody else, no matter how casual or intimate, that they need to do something the same or different to makes thing "better" is a laughable ideal at best.  There are so many forces at play that there is really no guarantee, even with advice from that person's mother, that things will go the way they want it to go.

What happened now?  Samuel has been in a few failed marriages, but his last one didn't really break off completely.  He's been a pretty private person for most of his adult life, and enjoys not having to worry about such things as "social skills" where large groups of people are concerned.  Samuel and his latest wife are attempting to make things work again, and he says he really loves her and wants to be able to enjoy her company for a long time to come.  His big problem is in addressing questions and concerns about what she wants, without feeling like he's intruding upon areas that he feels she wants to keep private.  He wants to respect her privacy, but doesn't want to suffer the possible effects of non-communication, which he feels led to her need for other companionship.

To make matters worse, he has reason to believe that his wife hasn't exactly been telling the truth to him about her reasons for returning, or that she isn't still involved with other close friends of hers.  She wants to leave her friends out of their relationship, but he feels that there is value in learning about them that might expose needs that neither of them has openly addressed to one another.  She has a number of very intimate friends (male and female) that she sees on a regular basis, and he questions their motivations in giving her their relationship advice.

Samuel's life resonates with my own in many ways, so not only is it next to impossible for me to give any advice that would not be tainted with my own personal judgments and downfalls, but for the reasons stated at the beginning I believe it quite foolhardy to offer anything other than well-wishes for them both.  I sincerely hope that they can find a mutual respect for each other that allows them to be who they are and not hurt the other.

My own chosen course is attempting to apply patience in all my dealings with my own wife.  I try to brace myself for each new revelation, which is usually accompanied by lots of yelling, and never seems to have as positive an outcome as I would hope.  I just pray that we can hold on long enough that (even if it turns out we can't be together) we can at least come out with a stronger and more respectful understanding of one another.  We've got kids to worry about, and while it gives us something to share, it also means less time to share with just the two of us.

Samuel, I'm sorry I can't give you more.  I hope you'll be able to find your way to happiness, just as so many of us are looking for the same thing.

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